Losing my father

I've missed you. All of you. It's been such a long absence. And I am returning with the saddest news.

I've just lost my father. My favourite person on the planet. It's been more than a month now and I still can't believe he is gone.

He became very unwell after his operation in January. I wasn't able to see him due to financial constraints and family situation. It was disheartening not seeing him and not being able to look after him. I had only words to tell him in the days that he was in pain that I love him.

I have moments of deep longing to hear his voice and to see him. The grief was and still is indescribable, incomprehensible. My world will never be the same again without him.  Anguish hits me without warning - I can be anywhere - in the car, in the kitchen, in the supermarket, in front of the television...my eyes will well up and it takes a long time for the tears to stop.

In this post, I'd like to pay tribute to my dad.  Did I tell you I called him "Tatay"? In English, it means "Father".  Here's something I wrote for him for the memorial service we had in my home in England, away from my family in the Philippines.

My dearest Tatay,

You were my anchor.  You always believed in me and supported me in everything I did or wanted to achieve.  Even when I stopped believing in love, you kept telling me "love will come".  When it did, you came up to me and said, "Didn't I tell you love will come?"  You were happy to see me happy.

I made mistakes in my life and disappointed you in many ways but you never said anything.  If you were hurting, you kept it all to yourself and carried on showing me your love.  You once said to me, "No harm will ever come to you for as long as I live."

My world will never be the same again now that you are gone.  But I know you are in a better place.  The thought comforts me somehow.

I miss you, Tatay.  I love you very much.  I don't want to say goodbye so please let me say "Until we meet again."

I'm very sorry this post is full of sorrow. I am trying to get some normality back. Some days are good, other days are not. I have been blessed with a husband who runs to me to give me comfort when immense sadness hits. Somehow, it makes me feel alright. Or that everything will be alright.

This may not be the last time I will be mentioning Tatay.  I have another post coming about the good things that happened in the midst of all this crisis. That post will be a reassurance that indeed, everything will be alright.

See you all again soon.

Things are looking up

It was a glorious weekend!  I'm happy to tell you that summer has finally arrived.  Yay! I have been basking in the sunshine with my family.  Ahhhhhh, beautiful.  Let's hope it lasts.

Ahhhh! Sunshine!!!

Coffee and a slice of lemon drizzle cake made my day!

Anyhoo, wherever you are in the world, I hope you are all well.

Things are definitely looking up at my side of the world.  The last one item on my list - my driving theory test, yes that one that gobbled up most of my spare time reading, memorising, worrying and freaking out then reading and memorising again until I was sick of it - is finally out of the way now that I've passed! Keep your fingers crossed for me for my upcoming practical test!  The battle is not over yet. Hmp! But, I passed the first test, didn't I?

Also, I've just finished revising my story for the Tiny Dancer anthology! Another Yay!  So now, I've finally returned to my current manuscript, after five long months of sitting on it.  I'm reacquainting myself with my characters.

This coming week, although chock a block with appointments and all, and constantly on-call in case of any event happening with my son at school, still smells of good writing days ahead.  I'm so glad to finally write again.  It doesn't matter if it's fifty, five hundred or five thousand words in a day as long as I write something.

So, my lovelies, this weekend I don't have any movie/film feature but I will be posting on the books I've read so far and some personal secrets will be revealed in the days to come...so stay tuned!

Tell me about your weekend!

What are you reading?  


Or movie that you've enjoyed watching?

When life takes you someplace else

Hello? Anybody there?

Yes, I'm back and glad to be posting again.

The past two months were good.  I also received some not very good news from home.  I've been wanting to talk to you about the good things, about the books I've read, things I've done and most of all, about writing.  But I can't.  Not tonight.  My mind is just filled with thoughts about home.  Don't get me wrong, I love it here, living in the countryside with my husband and son.  England is also home for me now.   But a bit of my heart has stayed in my mother country, the Philippines.

When I moved to England more than six years ago, I knew I was leaving not only my family and friends but also my childhood, places I've been, schools I went to - I can go on and on.  By then, I already had friends who had left themselves, including my best friend, Rachel, who left when I was still in the university, if my memory serves me right.

In the past six years, there were birthdays, anniversaries, graduations and all that kind of thing that I couldn't be part of.  It is sad to even think about it but believe it or not, when there is good news, inside of me, I am celebrating with them.

There were moments of sadness and grief that I never wished for any of my friends and loved ones to experience and I had hoped that when those moments would inevitably come, I'd be there.  But I am away.  I couldn't offer a comforting presence.  This is the problem when life takes us away to be someplace else.

Luckily for us in this day and age, we have technology.  We rely on the benefits of the internet to communicate.  But the truth hurts.  Because we all know it isn't enough.  There is always something missing.  The internet or the telephone will never be able to replace the warmth of an embrace between two human beings.  It will never be a substitute for the feel of the fingers wiping tears away when you are down and out.

Perhaps one day, I will be able to go back and see my family and friends again.  Feel their arms around me once again.  For now, internet will have to be enough.  It will have to do.