Thursday 3 April 2014

Where have you been?

Who?  Me?  Whoa!  Has it been that long?  I cannot possibly believe this. Nevah!

You still there?  I certainly hope so.

It's been a long absence, I agree. And yes, it needs an explanation, don't you think?

If you were following me before my extremely long absence, you may have noticed that my posts became very sporadic.  It's about time that I tell you this.  My mind was elsewhere most of the time in those days.  I didn't know what to write about.  I was worried and scared about life and the future and most of all, I was so unsure of myself.  I guess, I still am, if I am honest.  But today, I thought, "well, s*d it, I'm going to come back and write again. No matter what life brings.

The year I stopped writing was the year my father passed on.  It was the saddest year of my life.  The following year, my husband had an open heart surgery.  That scared me to the core.  Not to mention my son's visits to the hospital as well.  That is basically a brief catalogue of the critical points of my life during my absence.  In between these points, I was in a state of mental turmoil.  I was not sure if I should be writing about those life events on my blog.  Because I was in doubt, I didn't.  I also put my writing-in-progress aside, literally.  I've put them away, in a bundle, so I won't see them.  My inner voice wanted to write but there was also another voice telling me not to.  I listened to the not-to.  Then the voice left me.  It probably got tired talking to me.  No matter what I did, I couldn't find the words anymore to write.

Overtime, I began to lose my sense of self.

My sense of identity.

My inspiration.

I thought I'd just live to exist and be a wife and a mother.

And it was not enough for me.  I knew I could do better.  I felt I could do something more.

Slowly, I picked up the pieces - "my" pieces...and I am still trying to put them back together.

I am getting the inspiration back.  I am getting everything back.  My sense of self.  My sense of identity. At the same time, still trying to be a good mum and a wife.  It is possible to shuffle and juggle.  Give each one of these things a little bit of love and attention, with just the right amount in every pot, I guess.

That's why I'm here.  Again.  With you.

There will be more of me.  More stories to tell.

This is only the beginning, ha! Watch this space, my lovelies!!!!