Losing my father

I've missed you. All of you. It's been such a long absence. And I am returning with the saddest news.

I've just lost my father. My favourite person on the planet. It's been more than a month now and I still can't believe he is gone.

He became very unwell after his operation in January. I wasn't able to see him due to financial constraints and family situation. It was disheartening not seeing him and not being able to look after him. I had only words to tell him in the days that he was in pain that I love him.

I have moments of deep longing to hear his voice and to see him. The grief was and still is indescribable, incomprehensible. My world will never be the same again without him.  Anguish hits me without warning - I can be anywhere - in the car, in the kitchen, in the supermarket, in front of the television...my eyes will well up and it takes a long time for the tears to stop.

In this post, I'd like to pay tribute to my dad.  Did I tell you I called him "Tatay"? In English, it means "Father".  Here's something I wrote for him for the memorial service we had in my home in England, away from my family in the Philippines.

My dearest Tatay,

You were my anchor.  You always believed in me and supported me in everything I did or wanted to achieve.  Even when I stopped believing in love, you kept telling me "love will come".  When it did, you came up to me and said, "Didn't I tell you love will come?"  You were happy to see me happy.

I made mistakes in my life and disappointed you in many ways but you never said anything.  If you were hurting, you kept it all to yourself and carried on showing me your love.  You once said to me, "No harm will ever come to you for as long as I live."

My world will never be the same again now that you are gone.  But I know you are in a better place.  The thought comforts me somehow.

I miss you, Tatay.  I love you very much.  I don't want to say goodbye so please let me say "Until we meet again."

I'm very sorry this post is full of sorrow. I am trying to get some normality back. Some days are good, other days are not. I have been blessed with a husband who runs to me to give me comfort when immense sadness hits. Somehow, it makes me feel alright. Or that everything will be alright.

This may not be the last time I will be mentioning Tatay.  I have another post coming about the good things that happened in the midst of all this crisis. That post will be a reassurance that indeed, everything will be alright.

See you all again soon.